[In a hot sauna]
[2 brown men sitting next to each other in a sauna. There’s a tension, they both want to talk to each other. Then they both look at each other, but it goes more than 2 seconds, 3, 4, 5…]
1: Kiya haal hai?
2: I’m good, how are you?
1: Teek hoon.
2: How do you know I know Urdu?
1: It’s written on your face.
2: On my face? But I’m light skinned.
1: Oh skin win, it doesn’t matter. Your face is pakka Pakistani.
2 My face? Common man. I could be Iranian.
2: How can you say I’m Pakistani?
1: You look like you’re from Lahore, 100%.
2: You speak Urdu?
1: I speak Hindi, Urdu, Punjabi.
2: Yeah? Well maybe I learned Urdu.
1: You’re blowing smoke.
2: No really. Just like you learned English. I could have learned Urdu.
1: Look, no matter what, if you were born in Pakistan, you’re Pakistani right? Just like if you are born here, you’re Canadian.
2: Maybe I wasn’t born there [smile]. So I learned it.
1: Either way, you’re Pakistani.
2: And where are you from?
2: Gujranwala eh. My cousin is from there. When was the last time you went?
1: Been there only twice. I wasn’t born there.
2: Oh, where were you born?
2: What do you mean?
1: Colombia. Mi lengua materna es el español.
2: Are you serious?
1: My mom was Colombian. My dad was Pakistani.
2: Oh wow. Was your mom Muslim?
2: But you look Pakistani.
1: I know. When I went to Argentina one time, the immigration guy was looking at me thinking this guy ain’t Latino. He said: People like you don’t come from Columbia in Spanish. And I said people like you aren’t originally from Argentina.
1: The guard understood after that.
2: Nice. So where are your parents?
1: My father died when I was 6.
2: Oh dang. And your mom?
1: She died 2 years later.
2: Oh. How come?
1: She got depression.
2: So who took care of you?
1: My older brother.
2: Oh so you had an older brother?
1: Yes from Pakistan. My dad had another wife in Pakistan.
2: Oh wow.
1: So my brother moved to Columbia and took care of me. He didn’t know Spanish, I didn’t know Urdu, but I learned Urdu so I could explain things to him. I can’t read or write Urdu, just speak.
2: What a life.
1: When I was a teenager, I moved to Ireland.
2: You’re Mr. International.
1: I studied there. And I met my wife there.
1: No Irish.
2: Like Irish Pakistani?
1: No. Irish white. We came back to Colombia for a bit.
2: So she’s been with you ever since?
2: You can’t trust these girls these days man, especially white women.
1: Any women. But we were young. Didn’t know anything.
2: So you have kids?
2: Really? Wow. They look white?
2: And you live here?
1: Yeah. And I worked up the street. At a bar and grill.
1: I’m the owner.
2: Haram [smile]
1: You don’t think I know that? The one who drinks it, the one who buys it, the one who sells it, I know it all man.
2: So why you doing it?
1: It was my way of coming to Canada. I needed to buy a business. The lease is just for a few more years.
2: And then?
1: I’m going to sell it.
1: Of course.
1: And do you know some of our people drink the most?
1: Hell yes. There are these girls that come every night.
2: Every night?
1 Every night. Young girls, in their 20s. Spend a few hours after work, have a beer.
2: Every night? Wow.
1: I’ve seen it all man.
2: Muslims eh.
1: What kind of Muslims are we? Seriously.
2: I guess.
1: Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) said to protect two things and you’ll go to jannah. This [points to lips] and what’s between this [points to groin]. That’s it.
1: But we can’t do that. We cheat, lie. And do all sorts of things. Allah Huakbar.
2: Yeah. We’re corrupt with a capital K.
1: Anyways brother, it’s hot in here. I got to get going. It was nice meeting you.
2: I’m leaving too. Good meeting you too.